I have been thinking a lot about what I want to do in the future. At first, I was thinking about what I wanted to do that was most accessible to me through the company I currently work for but I am fairly done with working for them. It was more about the comfort of not having to jump out into the unknown rather than wanting to remain at the company. There were avenues where I could find career pathways that I would enjoy, but my experience at the company—especially in the last three months—has made it obvious that I will never be happy working there. I love the people I work with and could ignore the problems of the company whilst my immediate space was safe, but it’s not anymore. Overworked and underpaid is the classic tale but as my mental health improves and strengthens, I can see now the devastation this company has been wreaking on me. And so I need to move on. But to what?

Marketing and publishing are my first thoughts because I have worked in those industries. The only issue with my experience is that my marketing skills are very self-made and novice and my publishing career was unorthodox, meaning that I don’t think I can expect the same structure. That’s not bad on its own but it’s enough for the self-doubt and imposter syndrome to come in, throw everything into the washing machine and then let me watch a messy cycle. That’s why the most important skill for me at present is my confidence. I have had an interesting past two weeks and expect the coming week to be as interesting and stressful. I am currently training my replacement. Who knows almost nothing. They have years of experience but not a clue about supervision processes—basic knowledge that the team below them know—and so there’s nothing to say of their knowledge of the duties of the role they’re supposed to fulfil now. So, I’m doing three jobs at one “( – ⌓ – ). I’m technically being paid for it but it’s so meagre that it’s honestly not worth it and I don’t know why I do this to myself … I mean I could write essays on why but you know what I mean. My normal job, the job that I was supposed to have stepped down from, and then the manager’s job. And it’s a lot, especially because this new team leader keeps lying to me about what they know how to do, which has impacted deadlines and my time and work. I love helping people, to a fault, but having to help someone who continually denies they need it and then waiting last second to ask for it is not something that sparks joy. I don’t think they’ve said thank you once either, but they probably don’t acknowledge that I’ve been cleaning up for them since they got here ʅ ( ․ ⤙ ․) ʃ.

Now, where this turns a positive for me has been interesting. It’s maddening but it has validated for me that I was very good at the role. I was great at the role. People had been telling me so plenty before but I struggle with internalising praise, especially when it comes from people I am close to. It’s not because I value it less but because I worry it’s biased or just comfort. Which is a disservice to their praise but I’m working on it. This has been fantastic for my attitude towards leaving the company and finding a new place of work. I have significantly less doubt in my abilities and even if they need fine-tuning, there are plenty of people like this team lead that get jobs without any of the skills or experience, so why not me? I have more to bring to the table than I realise, it’s about stopping myself from spending too much time thinking the quality is poor to the point I don’t put anything on the table. And so I am going to try and return to the publishing or marketing (or hopefully both) industries, and if I can’t, I’ll look into anything new that is better than where I am now. I will miss the people I work with but it’s time for me to value myself more (ง•̀o•́)ง.