I actually started writing a “return post” in the beginning of December but then life got a lot busier than I expected (ᵕ—ᗜ—). I think context is incredibly important and that’s why I often overexplain myself or write long-winded posts about where I’ve been and why I’ve been away (if you’ve been here long enough you would have seen the pattern). It probably stems from my tangled way of thinking and writing and my need to make sure I’ve not been misunderstood. I think I care a little less about it now, as it’s not my responsibility to manage how others view me. A good example of this is when people ask me about Mother’s Day. I don’t celebrate it and don’t really care about it and people used to assume that I was a brat of a child and ungrateful without stopping to think why I might not like it, and so I would feel the need to explain why. Context. But now, if people want to make their assumptions, that’s on them. The people worth explaining would either make considerations and not assumptions, ask or just accept it.

Things haven’t changed incredibly from December except that I am more tired and less willing to tolerate people exploiting me. I am one week from my leave and surgery and despite the stress work creates for me, I feel good. I am happy ( ˶ˆᗜˆ˵ )

Here’s my post from December:

I think the last time I posted was in June. It was the middle of the calendar year and Yule was passing. Now Litha is on the horizon, the end of the calendar year is coming and the holiday season is making work busy. I’ve tried my hand at different ways to do this and I think I just have to accept that I might disappear in a year for a year again.

There have been a number of changes in my life since then and, as I do, I’ve remembered that this blog exists and I come back to write the changes down, like a reflection of sorts. Since my last post I have: finished reading a book, changed roles at my current work, improved my cooking skills, hosted a few events, bought a CPAP machine, and have been booked in for gender affirming surgery come January 2025. I have also done a lot of writing. I have been pouring words into 4theWords and racked up many hours on Spirit City. I’m at that point in my life where I’m seriously evaluating how much of my life I can part with to play along in society. Life is getting more expensive and the current affairs of the world haven’t been incredibly motivating. It’s one of those things where I tell myself “that’s just how it is”, but I will never be able to justify such an idea. Just because things are hard doesn’t mean that it’s right. But I could mull over that for centuries.

Reading! I am most of the way through Raven Black by Ann Cleeves and I finished The Autistic Trans Guide to Life by Yenn Purkis and Wenn Lawson a few months ago. It was a good read. I’ve been coming to terms with the “high probability” that I am autistic over the past several months (I think I have already mentioned that here and my high score on the RAADS-R). I put that in quotes only because I’m sitting in the “undiagnosed but everyone is pretty sure” category. Reading and watching the experiences of other neurodivergent people has given a lot of explanation about a lot of myself. It has been incredibly freeing and I’ve stopped feeling like there is just something inherently wrong with me.

My overall life has had several improvements improvements following my unfortunate “dead end” in July. I hit a wall and dragged myself to the doctors and have since made a lot of changes to life and the way I think. I now take antidepressants and go to therapy and those together only showed me how much my current job were grating at my spirit. This led to the decision to step down and return to seriously attempting to move into another field, back into marketing maybe? Something creative, I hope. I was also diagnosed with sleep apnea (which came as a surprise to none of my family) and I successfully completed a CPAP trial and now own a machine and am getting decent sleep consistently. Being put on Agomelatine helped me a lot with my sleep but the CPAP machine is giving me quality sleep and I actually wake up feeling like I have energy for the day. It’s wild. Getting eight hours sleep, getting quality sleep, having less lows and placing more value on myself and breaking down my unhelpful mental aspects has been incredible. I have said to most people, including all of my medical providers “is this how people get to live?”

Though I feel like I come back for a year and then disappear a year and it’s a strange cycle I have always had with this blog, I am once again looking forward to see how I develop in the months to come. I have been working a lot on … well, a lot … and I am excited to share in the future. Some of it is ambitious but for the first time in my life, I’m happy to run with that. Normally I let ideas build and then dismiss them with a “nah, it won’t work out” or “I won’t be able to do it” but in the past few months I have been just doing things. And it feels good.

I have a lot I want to achieve in my life and know there is much more that I need to work on. This website has been a tad scrappy but I hope that it will see refinement over the years and only ever be a representation of my growth. Wishing everyone a happy holidays for the calendar year and a cool Litha as it rounds the corner!