I’m not one of those people who regard the new year as a new start, but it’s a neat and ordered new time slot to start/finish/achieve things. As terrible as I am by adhering to deadlines, the way we measure time is so nice to plan things by. I love planning things, not great at completing them when it’s just something I’m doing on my own, and this is what I need to change this year.

I don’t dedicate nearly as much time to my development as a writer as I should, and a major issue is that I’m not focusing on projects to finish, polish and send off. I’ve discussed this before and have been content to follow my nose when it lights up, but recently I’ve been reminding myself that it’s not good enough and is likely led by self-sabotage. I think that, deep down, I believe that I won’t make it as a writer and so that is why I’ve been so flippant about it. I think that was one of the major takeaways from my writing major (and might be more common than I think), that I’m not good enough. It was humbled in the second year and had that moment of “I’m not nearly as good as I thought” but after leaving, I’ve definitely brought with me “I might not be any good at all”. Which I don’t think is a unique thing to me, especially amongst the arts, but it being common doesn’t mean that I don’t need to face up to it right now. I really do.

I’ve always been my own saboteur. The way I grew up and was treated by people in general meant it felt safer to knock myself down a peg before someone else could do it. I would like to say that I’ve gotten better at wrangling my inner-saboteur but, I think that’s a misdirection. When I sit and think about it, I ask all sorts of questions. Am I floundering because I just don’t know what I’m doing? Am I not taking this seriously because I don’t think I’ll be taken seriously? Do I really think that I don’t have anything to offer?

I’m not sure how serious these feelings are, how deep they are rooted, but I do know that I need to change this year if I want to get anywhere. I need to try harder. I need to be seeking out failure, because that at least means I’m seeking out success.

And so, I don’t think 2021 will be a “New Year, New Me” but I will be trying to improve myself. “New Year, Improved Me” I guess.

Let’s do it!