I’m back at that point where I don’t know what I’m doing. I love writing. I really do. But sometimes I feel like studying it is a combination of learning important things and being forced into a box. Which I think is normal but still feel sore about. Criticism makes my stomach churn and my anxiety scratch into my skin but it’s important and I take it. When my entire style of writing is looked at with an ‘eh’, then it’s a little harder to swallow. I think my biggest problem is that no one reads my work and so I really don’t know how it reads to other people. I can only look at it with how I read it and with my intentions. And so when I have my work critiqued and they judge a lot of it as not ‘adhering to the laws of English/grammar/writing’, my response is really just a meek “but that’s just how I write”. Which makes me wonder “is my writing style terrible?” “should I change my writing style” “if I write to appease others, is it still my writing?” I’ve always just written for myself, I guess. I mean, I want other people to read my writing and like it and would love to be able to build a life upon it, but I’ve never tried to mould my writing for others. It comes out as it does. I don’t think of nearly half of the things they’re teaching us. I just do it. And I’m a little afraid that if I change the way that I write, it’ll cause irreversible damage to either me or my writing. It sounds normal and a little bit stubborn but it’s the worry I have at the moment. I’ve read over and over other writers saying that, even if it’s just to get your foot in the door, you should write what people want to read. I think I’ve just always liked the idea that one day maybe people want to read what I write. Trying to do the first is difficult.

This semester has rendered me unable to write. I’ve written less in 2019 thus far than I had in just December 2018. I think I’ve reached a point where, though I love to write, I no longer have confidence in my writing. But I can’t tell if that’s just me no longer having confidence in myself.

I don’t like the idea of continuing to write and never pursuing it but at the same time, I’m just in a really weird space right now. Part of me hopes it’s just a phase and it’s normal but another part me is worried that’s its a damning testament to me as a writer.