Do other artists feel compelled to hide what they’re doing, even from those they’re close to? Sometimes I just think it’s because I kept my work so private for so long, but there are a lot of other creative areas that I find doing on the side because I just get so anxious doing them in front of others. Social media is one of them. Ironically, I manage social media for one of my jobs, and yet am afraid to explore my own in front of others. I think its a combination of stigma around what I’m trying to do (build an online presence despite being a nobody) and premature embarrassment over doing it. Which sounds silly when I say it out loud, particularly because my socials have been one of my big spaces for self-discovery. But I can’t deny I get instantly anxious and grumpy when trying to hide it, or even when I try to leave it in plain sight—I almost always end up buckling and fumbling with the tabs. And then I feel shady. It doesn’t help that I’ve constantly told my partner not to read what’s on my screen, and he obviously does every time.

I’m getting a lot better with just shrugging if people make fun of what I’m doing, but there’s always that anxiety. We never want to be mocked by those close to us for what we’re doing. It’s not great to come from strangers either, but at the end of the day, strangers aren’t the ones that are going to be there for me when I’m on my last legs, those who are close to me will.

So, I’m working on becoming less embarrassed about what I’m doing. It’s easy to say I’m not ashamed of doing the things I love, but societal stigma or standard mockery is always going to be in the back of my mind. Being laughed at for writing erotic scenes, being laughed at for wanting to build/join a YouTube community of like-minded people, being laughed at for streaming, writing tweets, posting Instagram photos etc. etc. There’s always an aspect of “who do you think you are?” to those kinds of snickers. And I don’t think it’s necessarily the real opinion of them, but more something we all say to ourselves sometimes. Like any other craft. “Who are you to do it?”

And those are my thoughts for today. Have fun doing what you love. We don’t have fun doing everything, and so we shouldn’t prevent ourselves for exploring the things that we feel—and very well might have—a burning passion for.