I don’t read a lot of romance novels, but I do read a lot of romance graphic novels, and I read in a huge variation; shoujo (for younger female readers), josei (for mature female readers) and adult (this is an overarching term that I’m using for anything that’s really R-rated). I haven’t always been fond of romance in novels, but I’m easily captured by romance in manga/manhua, flocking to the different genres at different times in my life. Because this is my background, I’m going to refer to both novels and graphic novels throughout this post, because they’re both created by writers. There’s definitely a difference between how some things are communicated between a graphic novel and a traditional novel but what I want to talk about applies to both.

TLDR: writers, think about what you put out into the world; readers, make sure you separate reality from fiction … we’re not your parents

This particular post is going to focus on the romanticisation of abuse in romance dynamics, primarily amongst dynamics. This will range from mental abuse to sexual abuse. When I say “romanticism in romance” I’m referring to the glorification of potentially toxic/harmful behaviour.

Quick note: this post became a lot longer than I intended and so there may be things I haven’t touched on that I will try to follow up in another post, potentially a more academically drive one.

“Disclaimer”

I just want to put in a quick note that this is an opinion piece/open discussion. I believe there’s rarely one “right” to anything, but this is a reflection of what I have read, written and learned and how I believe it relates to others, whether they be readers or writers. Content mentioned may also contain graphic or disturbing description of things that happen in novels/graphic novels.

Secondary “Disclaimer”

There are going to be things that I speak about as if they are a big “no no” but it is also important to remember that people come in a colourful variety, meaning that there is going to behaviour which I might highlight as potentially harmful but may be actively sought by people. This post is in no way meant to “kink-shame” or show a poor reflection on the Bondage and Discipline, Dominance and Submission (BDSM) community that I often refer to. In fact, the BDSM community’s input into these matters is actually incredibly important as they are the most versed in the realities, flavours, precautions and dangers of BDSM.

What?

I wrote a paper during university discussing my reasoning for my decision to select and approach a particular genre. I chose to write in the romance genre as it had been the most unfamiliar to me at the time. The piece of creative writing I was working on for the other assignment was more or less a creative reflection on my lack of understanding of the genre.

Polaris is the writer of epics; the author of a thousand heroes … and now she has been assigned to write a romance. Thinking it beneath her, she tries to wrap it up quickly, but she soon finds that her character assignment, Meredith, is anything but the standard ‘romance female lead’. With bitter reservations about the tropes of romance and a growing attachment to Meredith, Polaris needs to figure out how to write the greatest romance of all time for a woman who seems to have no romantic inclination at all.

I intend on continuing this piece, as it’s an amalgamation of my development with the romance genre as I both come to love it and challenge traditional tropes. I hated romance growing up. Couldn’t stand it. But it was really an extension of my upbringing and so the improvement of my mental health over the past few years has made me much more open to the genre … that and all of romance graphic novels I’ve read. Now, the reason I still don’t have much of an inclination towards romance is that I often feel that there are tropes that are used carelessly. And this is where the age-old question comes in:

How much are we responsible for, as writers?

I’m currently of the belief that it’s shared responsibility. I don’t think writers should have to take 100% of the responsibility of how readers interpret our work, particularly that of fiction, but at the same time I think we have a responsibility to not perpetuate harmful behaviour, ideas etc. or at least handle these appropriately.

Let’s quickly break down what kind of behaviour I’m talking about:

• “Bad boys” whose abusive behaviour is see as endearing
• Roughness during intimacy being portrayed as appealing
• Roughness during courting being portrayed as appealing
• Obsessiveness being a form of great love
• Spiteful behaviour being the response
• ‘One and only’ issue
• Reality/fiction issue

I read a lot of romance and non-romance with these in them and have noticed that some are now being appropriately marked with warnings and advice. There are things that people just want to read and can easily separate fantasy from reality and so it’s a non-issue, but it’s still so great and important that these disclaimers precede the fiction. An example of these would be: I was reading a manga where the two of the main characters (one being the central character and the other being the central antagonist/secondary love triangle component) are involved in a BDSM relationship but the “antagonist’s” behaviour is extreme. The warning at the beginning outlines the safety culture of the BDSM community and tells readers that the relationship depicted is indeed abusive and not safe and though it might be slightly glorified in the manhua, it is not healthy. This is taking responsibility for the content; whatever happens after that is the responsibility of the reader.

The above is what I feel is a good example on how to use controversial/non-healthy tropes/concepts in an appropriate way. One thing that is a problem with romance novels romanticising something like BDSM is that some people think it is a desirable fantasy and then end up in positions that they realise they don’t actually want, but the harm may be done already. This can be referring to both sexual play or even flirting. There’s a thing in manga called “kabe-don” (wall slam), which is when a character somewhat pins the other to the wall. It’s meant to be really intimate and doki-doki (gets that heartbeat going). Though I read it like it was nothing for years, it dawned on me that something as simple as this might actually be overbearing in real life and put someone in a really awkward or uncomfortable position. This is what made me really start to think about how important it is for readers to be able to separate reality from fantasy. I’m not saying that no-one wants anything in a romance novel, but I’m bringing up the issue where readers think they want what’s in the novel and end up in a predicament when they realise it’s really not for them. BDSM is not the same as being abused or beaten; this needs to be understood so that real abuse is not overlooked.

Adding onto this, aggressive pursuit is often regarded as the highest form of desire and so therefore (somehow) love at times, and this is also something that can really put someone in an uncomfortable position. Grabbing someone’s wrist tightly when they’re trying to walk away from you might not go down well in real-life. The other side of this issue is that characters depicted this way are often usually “good characters” but in the real world, you can’t rely on this. Thinking that aggressive behaviour is “hot” really isn’t something people should be thinking when looking for a romantic partner, because that aggressive behaviour can often be hiding much more abusive behaviour. This is the same for possessiveness and obsessiveness. Though it’s often portrayed as “cute” or “endearing”, not wanting to share someone with others can become a real issue in a real relationship. People who want you to cut off contact with people (unless it’s because that particular person is harmful) are generally going to bring issues to the relationship. Of course there are times when they may just be distrustful of people or insecure, but people in loving relationships should not be cutting off their significant other from others. Humans are inherently social beings, and so interacting with a variety of people, especially when these people are our support systems, is very important.

The main take away from this is that it’s important that harmful behaviour is not reinforced as desirable behaviour. As such with the release of Fifty Shades of Grey and Twilight, where certain traits in people were made out as desirable but waves of fans soon found that these behaviours actually irked them. Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility did something similar but did it right, in my opinion. They took male leads with undesirable qualities, and though they flaunted these as attractive, the female leads were very much “no b*tch”. The difference is time and circumstance, however, with the obstacles in those classics being more realistic and less sensitive than the previous two I mentioned … I just couldn’t mention romance novels without mentioning those.

This is also the point where I want to say that I’m not suggesting that all romance novels are terrible and should feel bad about themselves, I’m just discussing the bad apples that might appear in some of their baskets. Manipulative, abusive, disconnected … not qualities you want in your real partner but are often qualities in romance leads. There are emotional ploys (that might not seem like ploys because of how they’re written) that characters often use that will not go down well in real life.

Who?

Now I want to touch on more “young adult” reading. I read a lot of series when I was in high school (not gonna name names) and it was hard to find anything where the female lead didn’t blather on about love … but it’s meant to be a fantasy action. Though it was exciting sometimes, I would just get irritated at the female lead because she just wouldn’t bother thinking about anything else. I couldn’t find it relatable. Though love can be a whirlwind, where you really can only see the person you’re falling with, it’s also important to make sure you don’t live just for that person, and that’s what I was finding that a lot of young ladies in these novels did. I rarely read a book with a male lead who had the same kind of thinking pattern. The obsession with how they thought the love interest viewed them or need to be with them all of the time drove me insane. Don’t get me wrong, there were definitely female leads who balanced love and saving the world and I loved them for it, but I just really disliked the way these other female leads were being portrayed. It might be a lot different now if I went and read some YA romance right now, but I doubt it’s something that doesn’t still crop up. And this is where the balance of responsibility comes back in again. As writers, we’re not their parents, but at the same time I think we should think a lot more about balancing fantasy and empowerment at the least. Or at least making the consequences of such behaviour more apparent so that readers have something to weigh their perception against. I think that stereotypes need to be shredded as well for this. Boys/girls who wear leather jackets and always seem calm, cool and composed don’t need to always be the “bad boy” who gets frustrated when you talk to some other guy/gal and hates talking about his problems. That just throws shade on real people like that. Boys/girls who wear leather jackets and always seem calm, cool and composed … until they see a sale on blueberries or a duck or even the main character. Gimme that. Sprinkle a bit more reality into it and smash boxes and barriers.

We have a box of chocolates with a neat selection of four, but we really should be cramming all types of different chocolates into our reader’s mouths.

Given the topic, maybe that’s not the most appropriate way to word it …

Sometimes the contrast is good for giving readers more to analyse against how they think they should be treated or how they’re being treated in real life, and the variety of people means a chaotic variety of responses. As much as fiction can be an escape, it can also impress more than we think on our readers.

Why?

At this point, I think I should have just made this an academic essay. I probably could have started with the academic papers I used in my uni essay, since they back up a lot of what I have to say, but I didn’t want to make it overly formal because I don’t want it to seem like I’m attacking the use of these tropes. Indeed, I am challenging them, but this, right now, is more of a discussion. And so we’re onto why people use these elements in romance.

A short answer is: danger is alluring. This is the main reason why I think that people should be able to write however they want but be sensible with their delivery (even if it’s just a disclaimer at the beginning). Most readers read because they want that fantasy, they want that exhilaration; I know because I’m like that. I’ve read a lot of the more extreme end of this genre because I enjoy it. There’s always going to be someone who wants to read it and so that’s reason enough to keep writing it.

I think another good reason (which might just be a coincidence) is that it alleviates stigma and opens up a wider spectrum of romance to appeal to a wider range of audiences. Things that may have been taboo back in the day are now written about and read about with little shame, which could be encouraging to anyone who might identify with a particular category/niche that has been stigmatised.

Conclusion?

Writers and readers share responsibility over how work is interpreted. The romanticisation of harmful behaviour is not going to disappear because it’s something that people want, but as a writer, I feel that it’s my responsibility to ensure that abusive cycles don’t continue. I don’t want people, particularly younger readers, to read anything I have written and then think it’s okay to be in an abusive relationship (or that they should desire it), whether it’s mental, physical or sexual. I want people to enjoy the fantasies I create but also know that everyone should live their best life off the page and find a romance that is right for them. Even if that romance is just reading raunchy novels whilst they water their six-dozen houseplants.